


Being selfish isn't always a bad thing

by erosen13



Category: Captain America (Movies) RPF, Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 07:07:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6944779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erosen13/pseuds/erosen13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is having trouble remembering concrete details of anything, and Steve is having trouble just being a friend to him. Or, the story when angst leads to sex, as usual.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being selfish isn't always a bad thing

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! This is my first time posting on this site so I hope the formatting is okay. I've been re-inspired to write by these gay babies, so here's a quick one-shot I wrote over the weekend. Thank you!

Bucky frowned, looking down at the space between their hands on the couch. Something wasn’t quite right. He tried to wrack his brain for what it was that was bothering him. He’d been feeling slightly… off for the past couple weeks since he’d moved back into Steve’s tiny apartment. That is to say, off in a different way than he usually felt. His brain at this point was so scrambled and disconnected that nothing really made sense anymore. He was missing years of memories, and the things he did remember were unreliable at best.  
“You doing okay, pal?” Steve shifted and crossed his arms, moving his hand away from that space between them. Bucky thought about asking, about telling Steve the half formed memories he had in his head of them together, but he didn’t trust his mind enough to know if any of that was real.  
“I’m good. This movie is shit.” He joked, barely able to smile but making his best attempt. Worrying Steve was the last thing he would do. Unfortunately, his smile didn’t have the desired effect on him, because Bucky watched Steve’s eyes harden as he gently returned the smile. He knew it meant something was bothering Steve. He also knew that something was probably him.  
“Yeah, you're right, this is terrible.” Steve grabbed the remote and switched the channel to the news, just out of lack of other options. He repositioned himself on the couch and gently leaned against Bucky, almost out of habit, and there, that’s what was wrong, Steve wasn’t touching him and now he was but then- Steve realized what he was doing and sat up quickly, clearing his throat.  
“You know, I’m actually pretty tired, I think I might go to sleep soon.” Steve said. Bucky could tell he was lying, had always been able to tell, and besides, neither of them had fallen asleep recently without being bone-deep tired. He let it slide, knowing pointing out the lie wouldn’t help either of them, and watched as Steve stood up and retreated to his bedroom. Bucky stayed on the couch, as it was where he slept now. Again, that felt wrong, being so close but having so much unsaid between them. He sighed and resigned himself to another night willing his brain to shut down so he could sleep.  
Steve gently closed the door behind him and let out a deep breath. This was killing him. He finally had his Bucky back, and Bucky didn’t even remember… well anything. Steve had decided that he was going to be whatever Bucky needed, and right now that was something stable in his life, a friend, someone to help him. But god it hurt when he realized that he couldn’t just reach out and touch him anymore, that Bucky wouldn’t know, wouldn’t understand why he was doing that, because he didn’t remember. It would feel like he was taking advantage of Bucky in this state. He climbed into bed and closed his eyes, trying to keep his body as still as possible. He could hear Bucky shuffling about in the other room, probably getting something to drink or just looking for something to do. With thin walls and superhuman hearing, there was basically no privacy in the apartment.  
A couple hours later, when everything had been mostly silent for a while, Steve still found himself awake, constantly trying to listen to make sure Bucky was okay. This was getting to be a problem. He hated not being in the same room as Bucky, just because it made it that much harder to check in on him. He knew that Bucky still wakes up constantly without any idea of where he is or even who he is, and Steve needed to be there when that happens. He’s thought about inviting Bucky to just sleep with him in his bed, but can never bring himself to do it because he can’t make Bucky uncomfortable. He heard a noise coming from the other room and immediately jumped out of bed to go check on Bucky. He tried to stay silent and poked his head around the doorway. Bucky was sitting up on the couch, running his hands through his long hair and staring at the wall, his breathing just barely controlled to a reasonable rhythm. Steve felt his chest tighten and walked over to the couch, taking care to shuffle his feet a little bit to let Bucky know he was coming. He sat down silently next to him and paused for a second before putting his arm around his friend. Bucky instinctively leaned into the touch, turning his face into Steve’s shoulder and breathing in his familiar scent. Steve gently started stroking his hair, running his fingers through it and trying to calm him.  
“Is this… real?” Bucky asked quietly, sounding unsure if he should even be asking, but needing some sort of confirmation. The early morning hours were the times when everything started to get a little fuzzy, when he had trouble separating truth from the lies he’d been told.  
“Yeah, Buck, I’m here, you’re okay.” Steve replied gently, his heart breaking when he realized just how difficult it must be to not know what was real and what wasn’t.  
“I remember this…” Bucky said quietly, still leaning into Steve, whose breath caught slightly. Was Bucky remembering their relationship, them being together? Or was he remembering just a comforting figure in his life, someone that had been there for so long that his presence was just permanently ingrained in him. Steve wanted to ask, needed to ask because this uncertainty was never something he’d been able to deal with. Then, Bucky sat up, his eyes dry, breathing controlled again, looking at Steve very evenly.  
“What was I to you?” He asked, sounding very guarded and expectant. Steve weighed the question for a minute.  
“Just give me an answer, not knowing is… confusing.”  
“We…” Steve was torn on how to answer. He wanted to tell Bucky that they had been friends, and then they’d become more than that but had never really had the chance to make it official before everything happened and then he’d lost Bucky and it was his fault for asking him to follow him.  
Bucky narrowed his eyes. His whole body was telling him that they needed to be closer, that this awkwardness between them wasn’t right. Before Steve could continue on whatever rambling tangent he decided was the safest, Bucky leaned in and kissed him, just briefly, and then pulled back to judge his reaction. Steve looked shocked.  
“You… remember?”  
“Not exactly. I remember… more feelings and emotions than concrete images. I’m right though, aren’t I? We aren’t just friends.” Bucky’s voice took on an almost challenging tone, which made Steve smile a little. Bucky had always known how to goad him into doing something, and it was always to present him with a challenge.  
“No, we weren’t. I don’t know what we really were, but it wasn’t just friends.” Steve answered, reaching out to smooth down his messy long hair.  
“Does that mean I’m allowed to do this?” Bucky asked, leaning in again, putting his face just out of reach of Steve’s and waiting for a response. Steve didn’t say anything, but Bucky could hear his heartbeat pick up and took that as affirmation. He closed the space between them and their lips met, familiar and yet foreign at the same time. It felt like their first kiss, but also felt like a habit, something that was new and exciting but also like it was such a core part of him. He pushed forward more, causing Steve to lean back and tangle his fingers in Bucky’s long hair, pulling him closer, trying to be gentle but firm.  
“Yeah, I think this is okay.” Steve said against Bucky’s insistent lips. Bucky chuckled a little and their kiss deepened, Bucky putting a hand on Steve’s waist and firmly holding him in place. Steve moved his hands from Bucky’s hair to his shoulder, holding on tightly, feeling the cool metal begin to warm under his touch. He cautiously ran his fingers down the arm, amazed at how intricate it felt, how he could almost describe it as muscle definition just because it was so well built. Bucky shivered under his touch, his lips pausing for a moment. Steve took this chance to move his mouth to Bucky’s neck, kissing him gently down his jawline, sucking gently on the hollow near his collarbone. Then suddenly he was being flipped backwards, cold metal pressing against his throat, head hitting the side of the couch painfully. Bucky was breathing hard, eyes narrow and unblinking. He pressed down harder with his arm and Steve felt his airway begin to close up, but he didn’t fight back.  
“Bucky… it’s okay.” Steve gasped, taking care to lay very still and not resist at all. Steve saw recognition flash in Bucky’s eyes, and then the weight was lifted from his throat as Bucky scrambled back.  
“I’m so sorry.” He said, looking straight ahead and clenching his fists in an attempt to keep calm. “I think you just surprised me.”  
“It’s okay, Buck. You didn’t hurt me.” Steve reached out and put a hand on his shoulder, ignoring the little flinch that preceded the touch.  
“But I could have.” He replied. Steve could see the muscle in his jaw working, knew that he was clenching his teeth together to keep himself from saying anything else.  
“I can take care of myself, Bucky, you don’t have to protect me from anyone, even yourself.” Steve moved closer but took his hand off Bucky’s arm.  
“That’s not the point, Steve. I don’t think I should be here, with you.” Bucky said emotionlessly. Steve felt fear flood his body. He knew it was selfish, but he couldn’t let him go again.  
“I trust you, Bucky. I’m sorry I kissed you if that wasn’t what you wanted.”  
“Steve, I kissed you, don’t try to make this your fault.” Bucky finally met his eyes, but his gaze was guarded again.  
“I know, you’re right. We’ll take it slow. Just- don’t leave me again okay?” Steve ended his sentence quietly, but clearly. Bucky didn’t respond. Steve checked the clock on the wall and saw it was nearly five in the morning.  
“Do you want to go get some coffee, maybe some breakfast? The diner down the street opens soon.” Steve knew neither of them would be able to get any more sleep tonight.  
“Yeah, okay.” Bucky shrugged and stood up. They both grabbed their jackets and then walked out of the apartment in silence.  
When they got to the diner and ordered their coffee, Steve finally broke the conversational lull.  
“So, what are we going to do?” He asked, not sure exactly what answer he was looking for.  
“I think you’re partially right. I don’t think I should freeze myself again, because that will just make it harder when I wake up again.” He took a sip of his coffee, made a face, and reached for the sugar.  
“Okay. What about us, how do you want to deal with that?” Steve asked, feeling his heartbeat speed up but trying to stay calm.  
“I feel… better with you. Before I put everything together, it still felt wrong, not touching you, not being with you. But I think we need to take it slow. So I don’t hurt you.” He spoke slowly, enough that Steve knew he’d been thinking about this for a while. Steve nodded in agreement.  
“Okay, that sounds good to me.” Steve finished drinking his coffee and considered getting some actual food for breakfast. Logically, he knew that this wasn’t a rejection, that Bucky didn’t want to completely shut down whatever was happening between them, but he couldn’t help but feel a little down. Bucky reached out and grabbed his hand.  
“I’ll get better eventually, Steve, it’s okay.” Steve smiled and responded to the touch with a light squeeze.  
“I have to check in with Nat and the others in a couple hours. You’re welcome to come along if you’d like, or you can just wait at home.” Steve offered as he waved the waitress over, finally deciding that he needed a big plate of eggs and toast. Bucky ordered a plate of pancakes.  
After breakfast, they went back to the apartment for a bit before Steve had to head out. Bucky declined the invitation to come along, mentioning something about cleaning up. They said their goodbyes and Steve promised to pick up some takeout for lunch or dinner, depending on when he got back. He waved goodbye as he walked out the door. 

Later that evening, he returned to the apartment with some chinese food in tow, promising himself that he needed to get Bucky a cell phone so they could communicate better while he was gone. He opened the door and smiled when he heard Bucky humming in the shower. The water shut off as he put the boxes down on the counter.  
“I’m home, Buck!” Steve called, pulling out a couple of plates for them to eat on. Bucky walked out of the shower with his hair still dripping and a towel tied around his waist. Steve purposefully kept looking down at the food after his first initial glance at his friend, trying his hardest to not make him uncomfortable. Bucky walked over and stood next to him, wrapping an arm around Steve’s waist and kissing him on the cheek.  
“Well hi there.” Steve said, turning to face Bucky and smiling.  
“Hey. Did you have a good day?” Bucky asked, reaching around Steve for the box of noodles and taking a big bite. He set the box back down on the counter and grinned after he finished chewing.  
“I’ll go put some real clothes on.” He winked and went to put some sweats on, coming back out with the towel around his neck to catch the water still dripping from his hair. He went to join Steve in the small kitchen area, who was getting a cup of water from the sink.  
“I’ve been thinking…” Bucky started, walking up behind Steve and wrapping his arms around him from behind. Steve’s breath hitched a little in surprise, as he had been slightly preoccupied and hadn’t noticed Bucky walking towards him.  
“What’s up?” Steve asked, leaning into his embrace and turning the faucet off. Bucky didn’t respond, but he gently kissed Steve’s neck, who closed his eyes and tilted his head slightly. Bucky turned Steve around to face him and kissed him again, pressing their bodies together so that Steve was backed up against the counter.  
“I thought you wanted to… take it slow.” Steve mumbled, his hands resting on Bucky’s bare waist.  
“I changed my mind… I think this is what I need right now, something solid.” Bucky replied. He continued kissing Steve, opening his mouth to deepen their kiss. Steve pulled back a little with a concerned look.  
“Are you sure?” He asked, trying to keep a level head as much as possible in his current situation.  
“Steve- you’re overthinking this. As usual.” Bucky teased, and then quieted any possible response by pressing their mouths together again. Steve tried to come up with some good reasons for why they should stop, but then Bucky grabbed his hips and pulled him even closer and all full thoughts flew out of his brain.  
“Should we… think about this at all?” Steve said breathily as Bucky kissed his jawline and then gently bit his ear.  
“Do you want to stop?” Bucky pulled back and looked at Steve with concern in his eyes. Steve took a deep breath, trying to ignore his whole body telling him that this was okay and good.  
“I just want to make sure you’re okay.” He replied, still breathing a little hard. Bucky raised an eyebrow but stepped back anyway.  
“I’m okay, Stevie. But if you don’t want me, that’s okay too.” Bucky smiled sadly and took another step back.  
“Buck… I just… You said this morning you wanted to be careful. I don’t want anything I said to pressure you into… anything…”  
“Steve. What do you want here? It’s okay to be a little selfish sometimes.” Bucky walked out of the kitchen area and towards the bedroom. Steve followed him, not sure exactly what was going on. Bucky tossed the towel he’d hung around his neck onto the pile of dirty clothes and looked surprised when he noticed that Steve had followed him.  
“I’m sorry-” Bucky started, but then Steve closed the space between them in a couple steps, cutting off his apology and kissing him again.  
“I’m going to be selfish again.” Steve breathed against Bucky’s mouth. Bucky groaned and turned them around, pushing Steve back onto the bed and climbing on top of him. Steve grabbed his hair and pulled his face down to his own, their teeth clashing together before they got situated. Bucky moved his hands to grab Steve’s shirt and pulled it up over his head, Steve lifting his back off the bed so it was easier. They went back to kissing, Bucky keeping Steve pinned to the bed with his body.  
“Jesus, Buck… I missed this…” Steve moaned as Bucky kissed his neck and then started kissing lower and lower down his body. His fingers teased at Steve’s waistline and then he unbuttoned his pants, sliding them down and then kissing his bare thighs. He pulled off Steve’s underwear next, and it joined the growing pile of clothes on the floor. He gently stroked Steve’s erection with his fingers, then took the head into his mouth. Steve groaned and grabbed Bucky’s hair for something to hold onto as Bucky started moving his mouth and sucking on his cock.  
“Oh god Bucky.” Steve’s breathing quickened and he bucked his hips up unconsciously. Bucky dug his fingers into Steve’s hip to hold him in place. He bobbed his head up and down over Steve’s erection a couple more times, loving the breathy moans he was eliciting, and then moved to kiss Steve’s hipbones. He bit down a bit harder than before, wanting to leave his mark. Steve sat up, gently pushing Bucky off of him so he could pull down the sweats that were still clinging to Bucky’s hips. Once both of them were free of their clothes, Steve pulled Bucky back down on top of him, tangling their legs together and kissing him again. Bucky rolled onto his side, pulling Steve with him. Steve grabbed Bucky’s hair again, loving how soft and long it was now. Suddenly, Bucky froze and stopped moving. Steve did the same, holding his breath and keeping himself very still.  
“You okay?” Steve whispered.  
“Just… give me a second.” Bucky said through clenched teeth. Steve nodded and tried to control his breathing to give him something to focus on. They laid still next to each other for a minute, Bucky almost shaking with the effort it was taking him not to move, not to fight against an invisible threat. He finally was able to calm his breathing, and could feel the adrenaline start to leave his body. He leaned in and kissed Steve on the cheek.  
“Sorry, I’m good now.” He ran a hand through Steve’s hair and smiled. Steve furrowed his eyebrows.  
“Are you sure? We can stop.” He said, staring into Bucky’s eyes for any sign of uncertainty. Bucky didn’t say anything and kissed him again.  
“I’m sure, I want this.” Bucky said. He lightly ran his fingers down Steve’s side, feeling the muscles shiver at his touch, loving that he still had so much power over his reactions ever after all this time. Steve again couldn’t come up with a reasonable excuse to stop anything, so he let himself be overwhelmed again by Bucky, who was now reaching between them to hold both of their erections together. Steve gasped as Bucky moved his hips against his own. He tilted his head back slightly and Bucky nipped at the pale skin of his neck. He started moving his hand faster, and Steve started to lose control of himself. He pushed his hips into Bucky’s hand and dug his nails into Bucky’s back, trying to hold on.  
“Jesus Steve…” Bucky moaned. Steve tilted his head back as their thrusts became more frantic, less of a set rhythm. Steve was the first to lose it, throwing his head back and releasing with Bucky’s name on his lips. Bucky thrust his hips forward a couple more times and then he came too, catching Steve’s lips in a kiss as he felt his orgasm finish. They laid there in silence for a minute, both breathing heavily, limbs entangled with each other.  
“I love you, Steve.” Bucky whispered into his ear. Steve smiled and lazily kissed Bucky on the forehead.  
“I love you too, Buck. And I have to say, I like your hair like this.” He ran his hands through Bucky’s long hair, enjoying how soft it felt. Bucky laughed.  
“I was just thinking I should probably get a haircut soon.” He shifted closer to Steve and put his arm on top of him. “Also, not that you weren’t adorable back when we were younger, but your new body is… it’s good. Different.”  
It was now Steve’s turn to laugh. “Yeah, it took some getting used to. I guess we’ll just have to practice some more, right?” He winked.  
“I guess dinner is probably cold by now, isn’t it?” Bucky pointed out, rolling over and sitting up. “I’m starving, let’s go eat.” He tossed the towel at Steve to clean himself up with and motioned him to get up.  
“Okay okay, I’m coming.” Steve wiped himself off, grabbed some pants, and got up to follow Bucky to find him eating noodles straight from the container as usual. He grabbed the box of chicken and leaned against the counter, watching Bucky make a mess trying to use chopsticks. Bucky met his gaze and then let his eyes drift down Steve’s body. A look of mild disappointment flit across his face.  
“I guess hickies don’t really work on super soldiers.” He pointed out, watching as the few bruises faded before his eyes. Steve looked down and shrugged.  
“I’m less likely to be teased this way.” He joked. “Do you want to watch a movie?” He walked over to the couch and turned the tv on, waiting for Bucky to join him. They sat next to each other, happily eating their room temperature Chinese food, and holding hands in between bites.  
“Let me know whenever you want some more practice.” Steve winked as he set his now empty box on the counter. Bucky laughed and fed him a bite of noodles.  
“Thanks for not giving up on me.” Bucky said. Steve reached out to stroke Bucky’s hair, and Bucky repositioned himself so he could lay down with his head in Steve’s lap. They passed the rest of the evening watching a dumb movie and enjoying their proximity to the other. 

THE END I’M DEAD THAT’S ALL I’VE GOT FOLKS


End file.
